Brodigan - October 20, 2021 at 09:01AM
Thank you for being a friend,
Stelter sucks at life again and again
He is fake news,
He's a fraud and a potato head...
- Golden Girls Theme (2021 CNN Remix)
Some days you just want to revel in the misery of people you can't stand. Today, it's Brian Stelter. Stelter having one of the lowest-rated shows on the lowest-rated news network isn't news. In case you weren't aware, everyone hates Brian. Thanks to the meticulous research by our friends at the Post Millennial, we now know just how much. Stelter's Reliable Sources loses in the ratings to Golden Girls reruns. More people would rather watch four old ladies on a thirty-five-year-old show than watch a genderless potato head emote and whine about Fox News.
Stelter, who, if he was on Golden Girls, would be Blanche's brother, is such a turn-off to the important 25-54 demographic, viewers would rather watch Bea Arthur play a snarky old broad. Or watch Betty White do her best empty-headed Joe Biden impersonation. It's not just Golden Girls reruns, either. According to PM, Spuddly also loses to:
- Paw Patrol, to the amusement of my nephew
- Reruns of The Office, Friends, and The Simpsons
- Peppa Pig
- And something called the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Somewhere in New York City, Stelter is crying into his breakfast cheesecake. Not the first entire cheesecake he eats every morning. This is the second cheesecake that he has for breakfast dessert.
Poor Brian Stelter keeps getting beaten up by girls. Bari Weiss slapped him around ON his show. Then he got an atomic wedgie by four elderly women, three of which have shuffled lose their mortal coil. Only Betty White remains, who everyone agrees is a national treasure.
Stelter has two options: have Betty White on his show to appeal to the Sunday morning crowd, Or if he wants the demo, grow a set and go on Joe Rogan's podcast. Between Rogan and Betty, I'm not sure who would embares Tater the most.
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