Courtney Kirchoff - May 05, 2020 at 04:37PM
Dear Americans trying to do the Reich right thing:
Let's skip the part where I try to convince you that COVID-19 is just another virus which behaves like the flu. I know that for you, science, discoveries in medicine, and those pesky serology tests are obstacles in your way to exercising a little good old-fashioned tyranny. I shall make no more mention of the silly science word again. So you go ahead. Grab the black grease pencil and get to work making a cropped mustache above your upper lip.
America was founded on the idea of freedom. I say idea of freedom because more and more, it does seem like an idea. Maybe even a fantasy. Especially with you people out there, lurking behind your window curtains, probably wearing masks, ready to dial 911 when you see your neighbor doing something the COVID Edicts have deemed verboten. Like allowing small children to play with each other, even in the privacy of a home that isn't yours. So you peck your germ-riddled phone, raise it to your face-mask, get that covered in germs, and report to the police that little Sally and little Sammy are having a play date and my God, send in two cops. As happened in Wisconsin.
But it's okay, because even your leaders who have your dog-like obedience are demanding you do the brave and noble thing by ratting out your fellow American. Even in the great state of Texas (according to the people in Texas who scream how great it is), a judgey fraulein commanded her obedient minions — you — to snitch on violators of the business safety protocols. No doubt, while many sane Americans see the dangerous slope, you're all too eager to lather up in KY jelly and swan dive down it.
As you may have gathered from my subtle-as-a-falling-acme-anvil references to diligent, snitching citizens sporting well-pressed brown shirts, I'm calling bull-caca on your patriotism. Even if it is a fantasy, freedom is still what America was based upon. If you're willing to throw freedom away under the guise of "doing the right thing" or "doing what's best for people's safety" then you're not a real American at all. But I can think of several other terms for you.
Also, as I was writing this very column: